The Scattered Brain of Recent Heartbreak

Sometimes it feels like something important has been ripped out of my chest and I am not quite sure why. I am not quite sure why I am not allowed to be with the person I love. Then my brain kicks in and says “well because he doesn’t love YOU stupid”. Then I stupidly wonder when could that have happened even though logically I know it was in front of me for a long time.

He was trapped. He was trapped in a relationship that he didn’t want and for a while you were the only one dreaming about riding into the sunset with this man.

He pushed you away every chance he got because you weren’t what he wanted. Yet you still get caught wondering why and act on the premise that it can’t possibly be true.

Breaking up is hard. Being dumped is hard. But being dumped and having to accept that it was over for the other person longer than it was over for you… Or having to face the fact that you guys were not in the same relationship or having the same experiences. It makes you question the very history of the relationship; was he ever in love? were those moments ever good? were they ever worth it all? were they significant? am I significant?…

When I was crying uncontrollably because I didn’t want to be without him, he was thinking “oh man I need to get out of this”.

While I couldn’t stand a second apart, he was probably just annoyed at my constant presence and questioning my sanity for always wanting to be with him.

And I just wonder if he ever felt the same as me? But I guess the answer is obvious and I just don’t want to accept it. Accepting it might hurt even more. Admitting to myself that I just didn’t mean to him what he meant to me would give him an unfair place in my life.

It would mean that I will continue being belittled by this man and I just can’t accept it. I will make him dirt in my heart because he IS dirt. A person that doesn’t place you as high as you place them IS worthless.

Letter to the Heart

Dear heart,

I need to apologize for how long it has been since we spoke; I’ve been trying to ignore you for a little while.

You see, you always tell me the truth and for a while now it has been a truth that I would rather not hear. You’ve been pointing out how sad yet hopelessly in love I was. You never lied to me about how miserable it all was and how I decided to stay in that situation in spite of that. “The heart wants what it wants” you told me.

You know I’ll always choose you above everything: above logic, above right or wrong, above gravity and above myself. If you strongly push me towards something, I’ll hardly ever say “no”. I believe that we only live life once and that you are essential in telling me what would make me happy (and sad).

I need you to know that I don’t regret anything you told me to do. I wholeheartedly believe that you told me to do it for a reason and that it all was in the name of love and the pursuit of happiness, but now you are sad and it is my turn to guide you for a change.

It is my turn to put everything you cherish away for a little while and distract you. I know you very badly want to remember and go back to those moments when you felt those incredible/beautiful highs, but you can’t and you shouldn’t want to. There is only so much we can control dear heart of mine. Sadly, we can not attain what you want right now so it is time to find you a new dream.

Now I know you are stubborn, but you are gonna be fine; you have me. You’ve made me happy and now it is my turn to make YOU happy, to honor and protect you.

Sincerely,

brain

 

The Vultures

Ok, so lets get this out of the way; I consider myself a relatively attractive young lady. I get asked out a decent amount of times and there is often at least one guy that I know is waiting for me to be single again. Most men try to at least be subtle about the fact that they’ve been waiting around, but then there are others…

Let’s talk about the man that JUST smelled my singlehood. I dated this man BRIEFLY 2 years ago and he had player written all over him; he owned a motorcycle, paid for food and drinks, was built and put forth his good/confident boy attitude.

This man recently straight up SMELLED my singlehood and reached out to me out of the blue to go out. I didn’t even get to book him on my calendar before he asked if I’d like to have a steady hook-up agreement!

Now, I haven’t mentioned this before but one of my resolutions after my last break up was that casual things do not satisfy me; I find that women (maybe men too) are not often honest about this with themselves. It is all too tempting to go bury the sadness and emptiness your ex left in you by engaging in casual things. It is also easy to believe you don’t deserve more than someone that will use you and then leave you.

Let me make it clear that I am not against casual agreements. I actually very much believe in them; I think they are proof that you can attain what you want and be honest while doing it. I also think they can even be empowering to women, because it can mean that a lady is secure as an individual and comfortable enough to satisfy her needs, but not need a man in her life. I very much believe in this, BUT I am not like this. I don’t NEED a man, but I very much WANT a companion.

I crave the intimacy, support and connection so even though I don’t want something serious right now, I also know that something casual isn’t for me and I am willing to date JUST with that remote possibility in mind.

In short, I turned him down on his proposal.

To the single ladies: make sure you are clear on what you want before you go out with someone!

Dating Others

Given the nature of dating, I expect this won’t be my only post on the matter.

For starters, let’s throw out the window any article you’ve read lately on the “do’s and don’ts” of dating. I am not saying there isn’t a lot of truth in them or a lot of knowledge being imparted from someone else’s experience, but dating is already stressful enough without the added guidelines.

In reality, dating is very basic; you just need to be yourself in a situation where you just met someone (another human being). This person is a human like all your friends and like yourself; he/she has their set of insecurities, emotions, goals, expectations, etc. Get to know these things and don’t let your own personal agenda get in the way of finding out these things.

Dating is truly just about getting to know another person, evaluating this person and either embracing who they are or deciding you don’t like what you hear. I find that this mentality where I am the judge puts me in a more powerful and confident state of mind than a mentality where I am trying to impress the other person or be what they need/want. Fitting into a mold never works and if you start trying to fit into this mold from the very first date, then you are just setting yourself up for failure.

(Now, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t have REALISTIC expectations/standards, but I’ll elaborate on that later)

From the beginning, always focus on what YOU want, what YOU need and let the other person focus on what they want/need. Listen to see if they can provide what you are looking for and also allow yourself to live the experience. So much of dating goes beyond words and questions; it is also about judging the other person’s behaviour and doing the “front porch” test (watch How I Met Your Mother if you didn’t get that one) with them. Do you see yourself on a boring Sunday afternoon enjoying a comfortable silence with them?

So here is my only “Do” and my only “Don’t”:

Do allow them to impress/dissapoint you with who they are

Don’t be someone you are not for them

Friends

During a break up, friends are probably the most important asset you can have; they’ll be on your side no matter what, they’ll help you understand what happened, they’ll be your support, etc. I love my friends.

The common friends – these are the friends every dumped person fears and cherishes at the same time. Common friends is the ground that nobody has learned to perfectly navigate.

Today I went out with common friends and let me tell you that there wasn’t a single moment during the 3 hours I was with “common friends” that I didn’t think of him. Not in any romantic sort of way; just in an uncomfortable sor of way. I no longer know my role with these friends without him and I don’t even know if I HAVE a role or WANT a role.

It felt odd… Like trying on a new pair of shoes. Maybe that is it! Maybe I am a new person after all the negativity and grief and I am making new friends. Maybe all the relationships from here on out will be new and unexplainable; isn’t that a thought? I get to know myself and new sets of friends, which inherently also helps me get to know myself.

Take life as an opportunity. Integrate the old with the new! Whatever fits into your new life will stay and whatever doesn’t, shouldn’t.

Date You

Hi WordPress!

It’s been a little while since my last post. I’ve been doing well. Being newly single, although hard, suits me.

The biggest issue with newly found singlehood is an overflow of newly found free time. Initially this is a problem because you feel tempted to look to the past for entertainment, but as weeks go by and you lose touch with your ex, you find new ways to occupy your time. Mostly for me my time is filled with dates and hanging out with friends, BUT there is also a lot of time to make appointments with myself.

With a partner it seems like you always have a commitment to tend to and that can be a little bit stressful. Every night you have to speak to them at a certain hour or get home to cook or to hang out. There is always sort of a plan you have to iron out with someone else. If you’ve been single for a while, then you’ll know how it feels… It feels like going out every night and making constant plans with a friend. It is draining and exhausting.

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, then you most likely no longer realize it and find peace within that situation. Hopefully you also have a good communication with your partner so it feels very natural and just like something that is completely integrated into who you are.

For me, having been in a bad relationship, it was just a bit exhausting so this is a bit of a relief. A bit boring, but mostly a relief.

At the beginning I thought it would feel lonely, but that is where friends come in and scattered dates. Like I said about the dates on a previous post; the idea isn’t to start a new relationship, but it is important that you are aware that there are options out there. I don’t mean options in the very new millenium idea that you don’t have to commit to anything and can enjoy a quick satisfaction, but in the sense that new durable things can happen again in your life. Furthermore, the actual good thing about this new century is that you DO have TONS of options and this means that you don’t need to be stuck in a situation that isn’t compatible with your views or values.

The important thing about all of this is that you always give yourself time to fix the relationship you have with yourself and keep true to those dates your make with the most important person… yourself.

Some of the things I do with me:

• Dance to loud music
• Read inspirational books
• Read inspirational bloggers (here on WordPress)
• Cook
• Watch movies I’ve never gotten other people to be interested on
• Go on walks after work
• Meditate
• Naps (don’t dish it until you try it!)

My me time mode:

Me First

This morning I woke up and my first thought was about me; my needs, my wants, etc. I stayed in bed for a few minutes devicing my plan for the morning and I got up at my own leisure.

I started off by making coffee; the smell just lifts anyone’s spirit and something warm is just so comforting in this weather. Then I played some upbeat music and danced around my kitchen. Meanwhile I started putting on clothes and started to look presentable for my day. I noticed my ex still has my favorite earrings so I set myself to order new ones instead of dwelling on that thought.

Today is about me and tomorrow is about me. I don’t need to be exposed to any negative energy I do not wish to be exposed to and neither do you! This is something we often forget with a significant other; we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do. You don’t have to deal with his friends if you don’t like them or go to events just because they’ll be there. Your peace and happiness is much more important.

Being an introvert, my peace and happiness lies around the house very much so. I’ve tried going out more, but my roots are in homebuilding truly. Don’t get me wrong, once in a while I do enjoy a good outing, but I much rather have one on one interactions.

Speaking of which, a couple of days in and I disconnected the dating app. I know there are a lot of varieties, but you just get BOMBARDED and I just really want a quiet moment. A ME moment. Nevertheless I managed to make several appointments over the coming days. They should give me a nice distraction from studying.

Must say that at the very least opening those apps shows the newly single girl that there are men out there who will be interested and truly pursue. Granted there were a lot of males looking for a quick satisfaction, but at least a handful in a few days have proven to have qualities that us single ladies probably wouldn’t have benefited from in our old terrible relationships.

Faith

One of my greatest flaws or perhaps my greatest hidden virtue is my belief in love. In spite of myself, I cannot stop believing in love. I believe that although painful, my love for my exes will get me through. I believe I’ve known great love and I am entirely grateful for that. Of course it came with great pain, but even in the coldest winter nights I can look back and still feel the warmth of more loving winter nights.

I know that the love I had will one day lead me to newer and stronger loves. Since I am able to love so strongly and whole heartedly, I know that some day someone will be able to love me just as much. I know that some day someone will love me with decision and conviction. As much as I still hope for my past loves, I also have faith in my future loves.

I think this is one of the hardest things of being newly single (aside from hope); you had so much faith in love and believed love will get you through and indeed it will! It will just not be the love for that person. I will be the love for yourself and maybe some day a new person.

I cannot help myself. I believe in love and love will get me through.

New Beginnings

Aside from Valentine’s Day, I’d imagine New Years is the hardest holiday to spend single or alone altogether.

It is crazy to imagine that last year I got a call at midnight and this year I’ll just get the silent promises of the past.

For those of you who are also going through heartbreak, let’s close the book on this sadness. I know, you can’t help but hope that maybe the past will come running back, but chances are they won’t.

After kissing people that are external to us for so many years and giving all of ourselves to the dream of someone else, let’s kiss the most important person that is going into 2018 with us… yourself.

I love me and me is getting a new beginning, a new adventure, a new life and a new best friend (me). I am my own best friend, my own soulmate and my own life partner. I take myself out on dates, I comfort myself, I believe in myself, I take care of myself, I give gifts to myself and I am there with myself watching marathons of Stranger Things while making a dent on my IKEA couch.

I bet that after a break up we are so focused on the person that we lost and forget to see the person that we kept! The best part of the dead relationship didn’t leave us… the best part was me.

So kiss yourself at midnight, celebrate yourself… love yourself. You will make 2018 great, because YOU were the great thing in 2017 as well.

Wash Your Bedsheets

Your senses are your worst enemy. In a moment of emotional weakness, you WILL see that picture, you WILL sleep in his dirty t-shirt and you WILL open that bottle of wine and you guessed it… you WILL call him, cry yourself to sleep after he reaffirms yet again that he doesn’t want you and that you should move on.

So cut to the chase, wash your bedsheets, hide any visuals, step away from the wine and BLOCK/DELETE his phone number, FB, etc. Go to war for yourself!

If he is a half decent person, then he is staying away for a long sabbatical until YOU are ready. If he isn’t, then force him by blocking him. If you are anything like me, then you ocassionally unblock him. If that is the case, read my previous post.

Remember the wonderful thing about your new singlehood, you get to decide if you choose to talk to him or not. Not him. You no longer owe him anything! This should come as a relief! It did to me, because it meant I was no longer a slave to his negativity, criticism and heart crushing words. I do not hate him, but I no longer have to PUT UP with him.

You might be thinking “oh but I won’t even get his friendship that way or any part of him”. Think that through, because I have. We are amazing, gorgeous, devoted, nice, etc women… do we deserve the barn or do we deserve just a straw? I don’t know about you, but I don’t even want to live in the farm!